Kids Speak Out: The Rules Divorcing/Separating Parents Should Follow

When divorce and custody comes up, the phrase "what's best for the kids" is often repeated. Parents, family, lawyers, and judges all agree this should be the guiding principle. Yet, all too often, I see divorcing or separating parents acting in ways that suggest they've forgotten this golden rule. And the most telling observation? The kids have noticed.

 

A recent Huffington Post blog post highlighted how children see and are impacted by their parents' behavior during and after divorce and custody matters. These young people aren't just passive observers; they have strong opinions about what parents should and shouldn't do once they start parenting in separated households. In an 8-week program for children of changing families, pre-teens were asked to create a set of rules they wished their parents would follow. These rules, developed over five years and 15 different classes, reveal some strikingly simple, yet profoundly important, truths.

 

Here are some of the most common rules these kids came up with:

• "Don't Say Bad Things About My Other Parent": This rule is consistently the most prevalent. Kids love both parents and don't want to hear negative comments about either one. It doesn't matter if the statements are "true"—badmouthing the other parent is never constructive and puts the child in an impossible position.
• "Keep Us Out of Adult Stuff": Children shouldn't be burdened with the details of the "adult stuff" that led to the divorce or ongoing court battles. There's no educational or emotional value in telling a child about infidelity or financial disputes. These are adult issues that children shouldn't have to carry.
• "Learn To Get Along For Big Events": Kids deserve to have both parents present for important events and milestones. Birthdays, holidays, graduations, recitals, weddings—these moments are irreplaceable. Parents should make every effort to attend these events, even if it requires planning and coordination. Even parents subject to Domestic Violence Orders could be able to find ways to attend without violating the order, with careful planning. It is important that parents make sure the other parent knows about these events and has the opportunity to attend.
• "Don't Make Me Choose Sides": This is one of the most damaging things a parent can do. Children have the right to love and receive support from both parents. Parental conflict shouldn't force a child to choose one parent over the other.
• "Don't Make Me A Messenger Or Put Me In The Middle": Parents need to find ways to communicate that don't involve the children. Kids shouldn't be messengers or go-betweens. They already have the challenge of splitting their time between two homes; they shouldn't have to carry messages back and forth, especially negative or contentious ones. In today’s digital age, there are many ways to communicate without putting kids in this position.
• "Don't Ask Me To Spy": Asking a child to spy on the other parent is unacceptable. It puts the child in an incredibly uncomfortable and inappropriate situation. While children may voluntarily share concerns, parents should listen and address those concerns without turning into an interrogator.

Divorce and custody disputes are inherently stressful for children. Parents have a responsibility to minimize that stress whenever possible. Adhering to these simple rules—rules so simple they were created by pre-teens—is a powerful first step. These are not just "good ideas"; they are fundamental to protecting children's well-being during and after a transition to separated households.

 

Here's a link to the HuffPost article:  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/if-your-kids-could-make-t_b_1171554

 

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice to any current or future client of Reed Law Group, PLC.